Oooook, ladies. ABC’s The Bachelor premiere has come and gone. Where do I start with this series? As I recently described to a friend, this series is horribly incredible. Mainly because Colton is kind of likable, even though he may come across as a big fat liar for claiming he’s a virgin, and also because several of these women seem genuine in their claims that they’re actually here for love.
This recap could take the rest of the week to write, because honestly there’s so much juicy goodness to rip apart/provide commentary on, but I’m just going to break down the highlights of the episode.
We all know how it goes: 30 women show up in a limo to claim the best first impression to bachelor/former NFL player Colton, then the crew feeds them cocktails for the next four-to-five hours so by the time Colton gets inside, they’re all driven with champagne-induced anxiety to get a few minutes of private conversation with him before the first rose ceremony.
Let’s dive into the girls + episode highlights
Honestly, how does Cassie not have a boyfriend (and I mean that as a fierce feminist who’s talking about a girl that’s clearly thirsty for love)? She’s gorgeous, loves and works with kids as a speech pathologist, is an amateur surfer that rocks the best body suit since Cate Bosworth in Blue Crush, and has the dewy-shine a Glossier rep would screen-grab for their referral link. What’s working against her: she’s super young (23)— which might explain the below quote—and is pushing some pretty horrible puns, so we’ll see what that “translates” to.
“When I meet Colton I hope we hit it off, click, and I leave with him!” I admire someone with that kind of ambitious aspiration for enteral love.
*She also brought a box of what I thought were dead butterflies out of the limo, but it turns out they were artificial. How meta.
Hannah from Alabama
Done with the puns? How about a good ole’ fashioned roses are red, violets are blue, Hannah’s name rhymes with Alabama, and who gives AF? “Hannah from Alabama” realllllly loves her home state. She’s Miss Alabama 2018 from one of those beauty pageants (Miss America?) and is really worried because Miss North Carolina is also there… and she was first-runner-up in their pageant. (Note: Hannah did not win.) On the real, though, I like her.
Caelynn/Miss North Carolina 2018
Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant and I currently can’t get a chemical peel let alone the fillers Miss North Carolina has, but henny was rocking some Jenner lips. I didn’t hate it. (And neither did Colton—miss thang scored the first kiss of the evening.)
Hannah from Alabama part deux
The next Hannah is going to win, let’s face it. If she doesn’t, she’s 100% the next Bachelorette. She’s adorable, super tiny, won the first impression rose, and I want her hoop earrings.
“If he ends up liking the person I am, and I end up loving the person he is, then I 100% I could be engaged at the end of this.” GIRL. So if he “likes” you, and you “love” him, then you’ll marry him? This is the kind of trope-ass princess shit that set me up for literally 10+ failed crushes in high school. “If he likes me, that’s enough, right?” Hell no, Katie! L-O-V-E yourself! (She did nab a kiss in their private convo at the mansion, so her quest for lust is going well so far.)
Heather the Avatar
Heather is 22, has legs longer than Zoe Saldana’s Avatar (which BTW is one of my all-time favorite films), Blake Lively hair, and is at the beach all day every day. She’s a virgin and has never been kissed. Honestly, I don’t even know if she’s old enough to babysit my 18-month old.
Long story short, the producers brought Catherine in. She looks like a runner-up to literally any of the Real Housewives’ casts and brought her Pomeranian for Colton/Chris to dog sit. She interrupted FOUR DIFFERENT conversations with other girls to have the exact same conversation with Colton as she did the three prior times. I love her.
I’m feeling her energy and want to have a glass of wine with her. Does that mean she deserves Colton? She was the one who called out dog lady for being “disrespectful”. TBH, Catherine was very polite when she interrupted the other girls. Ain’t her fault if they didn’t reject her ambition.
Hola from Miami
I’m Latina, so I’m team Nicole. She’s way too down-to-Earth and normal for this show, though. She’ll make it to the top 10 then get sent home.
Demi is T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Demi is a fun-loving country girl who has never had a serious relationship. During her home interview she received a call from her mom in federal prison, who’s in for embezzlement. She also referred to her sexual experience as “confetti cake”. Clearly, she’s my favorite so far.
She pretended to have an Australian accent to get “noticed”. There are about 84534897485 other accents in this group, so maybe she should have brought a box of dead butterflies instead.
Those are honestly the only girls I really remember, let’s move on to Colton.
Muscles aren’t the only thing ready to explode
Cut to Colton showering on the beach, then letting
sexual frustration out at the gym by whipping ropes on the ground, tossing medicine balls, throwing a tractor trailer tire, followed by another shower. Somebody get this man a fantasy suite.
More Colton montage
We next have a montage of how Colton went from NFL star to appearing on The Bachelorette, to where he is now as the next Bachelor. Chris sits down with him to discuss the “controversial decision” to bring him on board (another white male, so different from previous seasons…?) and brings up whether or not Colton is a man, due to his being a virgin. Chris doesn’t give AF anymore, and I’m here for it.
The Rose Ceremony
Hannah/The next Bachelorette won a slew of kisses along with the first impression rose. Of course, Colton picks the two other girls he kissed next (classy). Following is Alex B., who is stunning in an emerald green dress, but could barely talk due to being sick. Colton’s willing to risk it it all for those sequins.
The others who received a rose:
Onye (presumably so she can have more drama-filled convos with Catherine)
Caitlin (fierce red jumpsuit girl)
Annie (I don’t remember her?)
Annnnnd of course he kept Catherine the “DJ”. She’s not a great villain, y’all. She’s just misunderstood. (And also a hired actor.)
What we didn’t need
Female viewers across the country didn’t need to see the “picked” girls partying in the background while the un-picked girls have their last confessional, crying. WTF, ABC? Ladies, you’re all fierce AF; don’t let this show define you. Look at this as a fun experience, and go find yourself a man who doesn’t need a TV show, or any reason, to buy you roses. This is coming from a woman who’s in her second trimester and downing a bag of Cadbury Eggs in bed with her two dogs. Hashtag love yourself.
What did you think of the premiere episode? Tweet me @lizprugh.
The Bachelor premieres Mondays on ABC.
Featured image: ABC