Welcome back, Oncers. We survived yet another long, long hiatus. And how does the show come back? Well, with a bit of teenage angst, Gothel being the worst ever and a death. Not going to lie, that death was a little disappointing because I liked that character. Shall we dig in? Don’t answer that because I’m going to rant away anyway.
For one hot minute, we returned back to our beloved Storybrooke to a group of teens stirring up trouble. Literally. Low and behold, it’s Robin trying out some of her magic until Zelena comes bursting into the scene, demanding everyone get out. She storms over to Robin, scolding her for practicing her magic. When asked where she got ahold of the book of spells, Robin pulls the classic “my aunt is cooler than you!” And if she were in her bedroom, she would slam the door shut and blast a boy band as she writes angrily in her diary.
But let’s not stop there with the angst! It looks like Robin has teamed up with someone who will teach her magic. Yes, you guessed who she teamed up with: Mother Gothel. Can this chick like get the heck out of here? In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve never hated a character more than Gothel. But just like Gothel does, she took Robin under her wing to teach her the art of magic since Zelena wouldn’t.
Hate most foul
Can you guys guess what this section will be about? My hate for Mother Gothel/Eloise, of course. I cannot reiterate this enough when I say she’s the worst ever. Back in Hyperion Heights, she is still playing the ‘woe is me’ act. We’re not falling for it, lady. In fact, she has Rogers wrapped around her stupid fingers. Wow, I am really not holding back on my hatred for her, am I?
Weaver tries to tell Rogers he thinks she’s part of some dangerous cult, but Rogers doesn’t believe him. For once, I am totally on Weaver’s side. He knows what’s up. As if trying to prove Weaver wrong, Rogers goes to pay Eloise a visit in her home that looks like the 7os threw up in it. Anyone else notice the bright green walls? Anyway, she has Anastasia in her custody after leaving Victoria and Ivy in the bottom of the well with no way to escape. Or so she thinks. Hastily, when she hears the knock on the door, she tells Anastasia to hide in the closet. Rogers comes in and looks suspiciously at the set on the table. He’s sensing something. However, Eloise is much too smart for anyone’s good, and she manages to distract Rogers. Then she goes ahead and asks him to walk her to an appointment. Walk yourself, you awful human being. Ugh. Nothing going on here, just literally her kidnapping a child, but whatever.
Captain Hook and the Wicked Witch team up
I have to say, I have always wanted a Hook and Zelena team up, and now is as good of time as any. When Zelena comes to the Enchanted Forest, she sets out to find Robin. Hook, against Zelena’s wishes, tells her he will be accompanying her because he doesn’t want her to go through not having a daughter as well. Hook is growing every day. Aw. So, they set off to find her, and Hook does his pirate locating thing, which was pretty comical because Zelena was SOOO done with him.
Also, can we talk about how Zelena mentioned Emma and Killian sheriffing in Storybrooke together? My Captain Swan heart can’t handle that! I miss them. Anyway, Zelena and “Nook” wind up at the hiding place of Gothel and Robin. Bad things go down, and Zelena sacrifices herself for Robin, but looks like Robin got some of her father’s traits. She’s pretty handy with the bow and arrow! They escape the holding of Gothel, and Zelena gets her magic back! But not before Gothel has to remind everyone about her dalliance with Hook. Can you not? Woo, all is good in the forest. Well, for now. Nothing is ever good where villains and magic is concerned.
Annnnnndddd death! Death everywhere
Yeah, so Lucy is still out if, and the doctor suggest they gather samples of blood to get a match for her. So Jacinda, her fake dad and Henry all get their blood extracted in an attempt to save Lucy. Meanwhile, Regina and Zelena are trying to find the amulet that would solve all their magical troubles, but in waltzes Victoria with a gun pointed at Regina. To save themselves, Regina gives her the amulet. Things were going so well, Regina and Zelena were reminiscing about their days owning the bar together; they were about to save Lucy. Sigh.
Victoria returns to Eloise with it, and then Ivy appears in the witchy circle. A life for a life, that’s the rule. Because of course it’s the rule! So Eloise begins to kill Ivy, but Victoria seems to have an epiphany. She realizes that she’s been kind of a bad mom to Ivy, so she takes Ivy’s place in the circle of death. And there goes Victoria. Not going to like, I am a little peeved by her death because even though she was crazy, she had her reasons. I’m glad she sacrificed herself as a redemption arc. That causes Lucy to wake up, and as the doctor sifts through the blood results, she dies. Then mysterious black gloves take the paternal results, and by mysterious black gloves, it’s obviously Gothel. Girl is going on a murdering spree, and can someone just stop her?!
As the episodes wind down, it makes me a little sad. I’m not ready to say good bye! On an unrelated note, Jennifer Morrison said at a con today she’s trying to come back for the finale. I need this to happen like right now. What did you think of the spring premiere? Sign off below!
Feature image via ABC Press