Holy Hale! Teen Wolf FINALLY returned to our TV’s last night after a ridiculously long hiatus. Seriously, it was obnoxious. The season premiere left me wanting more and also wondering what in tarnation is going on with all the animals in Beacon Hills. They’re all going ape shit. It also left me thinking about how hot everyone is on the show, but that’s not really anything new. In this episode, Scott claws the shit out of a door, twins walk around wearing leather jackets, a bunch of animals decide they can’t go on with their lives and Lydia’s parental supervision is seriously lacking. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.
Scott: So, Scott and Allison haven’t seen or talked to each other all summer and Scott’s pretty much depressed about it. He’s SO distraught that he decides getting a tattoo would make things better. Scott, did you SERIOUSLY forget about the fact you heal instantly? You really just forgot that shit happened? He goes to a tattoo parlor with Stiles and, SURPRISE, the tattoo doesn’t stay. Dude, they do Henna at the mall. That seems like the easiest option here. After leaving the tattoo place, Scott and Stiles pull up beside Allison and Lydia’s car and Scott straight loses his shit when she sees him. They end up doing some weird “Stop, I need to talk to him/her” shit in the road when all of a sudden, a buck charges Lydia’s car and busts through the windshield. Scott checks out the deer’s heartbeat and said it wasn’t just running from something, it was terrified. ALPHA PACK MOTHER F*CKERS! Not that he knows anything about this yet because Derek’s a secretive little bastard. So, on the first day of school, he acts like a total weirdo when Allison sits down in front of him. He was even MORE awkward than he was last night when he realized she saw him in the car, slinking down out of sight like that would make everything go away. This is literally how Scott is acting around Allison.
Get it together. His mom has called him to the hospital because of Isaac and when he sees some dude wheeling an unconscious Isaac into an elevator, he knows there’s trouble. Turns out Isaac’s transporter is an alpha and he gets smacked around by him until Derek shows up and saves his ass. Once at Derek’s “house”, he can’t drop the idea of getting a damn tattoo. He spews some mambo jumbo about what it means for him to have a tattoo and that it’s a reward for not contacting Allison all summer. You know what I did to reward myself when I didn’t contact my ex all summer after my sophomore year in college? I can tell you that I DIDN’T brand my skin with a blow torch. I ate 3 pints of Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting, drank a bottle of vodka, watched cat videos on YouTube for 4 hours and sang Taylor Swift songs to my dogs in my Snuggie. Was that actually how I spent my entire summer? Maybe. But that’s what I’d call a reward, okay? Let’s move on. The tattoo was successful. Whatever. Scott goes cat scratch fever on Derek’s door, revealing the alpha symbol. What gives? Friends don’t keep secrets, Derek!
Isaac: He was a MAJOR part of the first episode and supposedly will be a big part of the whole season. The episode starts out with him on the ground, all scratched up and befuddled (his memory was high jacked). Some rando chick pulls up on a bike to save him and he hops on the back. They’re being chased by the new alpha twins who are hell-bent on taking out their tail light with their claws. Hopefully, the rando chick has bike insurance because they crash in an old warehouse and helplessly watch the twins closing in on them. So, Isaac and this girl get taken to the hospital and Mama McCall tries to ask him what the hell happened. The doctor’s are confused when he’s completely healed up and he’s chilling in his hospital bed when this women comes up to his bedside in scrubs. Her eyes glow red and the last thing he has time to think about before he slips into unconsciousness is why Rihanna’s fingernails are on her toes.
He’s lucky that Derek and Scott are so freaking nice and save him from the alpha pack, bringing him back to the abandoned house. He wakes up and asks where “the girl” is. What he doesn’t know, is “the girl” just got killed by the alpha pack (Kali and Deucalion) which is horribly inconvenient because now it’s going to take them forever to find out what is going on when she could have just told them herself.
Stiles: We still don’t know your full name, but we do know that we’ve missed you. Stiles provided the necessary comedic relief at all the right moments. He fainted at attempt number one of Scott’s tattoo, and then was tasked by Derek to hold him down during attempt number two with the blow torch. Side note: how the hell was Stiles supposed to hold down Scott all were’d-out? (No offense, but just saying.) We also saw that Stiles and Lydia still share some awkward moments, and her sass persists with him. I love their banter, though, and Stiles seems to be less puppy-eyed around her. He is still concerned for her safety, but he’s not drooling all over her like a damn fruit fly. Stiles also had a great scene with his dad where he was tapping into the police database again. Stiles was (rightfully) suspicious about all the weird animal activity, and he started to investigate. He connects the dots from the deer in Lydia’s windshield to her puppy that bit her leg to…a hundred birds crashing through the classroom window. That’s apocalyptic shit right there. You know how TeamTSD feels about apocalypses…every great show has one. Buffy, The Walking Dead, True Blood, the list continues. What I’m trying to say is, Teen Wolf is on the path to greatness, Stiles is a pivotal part of that. Also, Dylan O’Brien is moonlighting as a writer this season which is f*cking awesome!
Lydia: She is seriously a FIERCE BITCH and I am totally in love with her/want to be her. She’s getting ready for her first day back to school, looking sassy in her dress and flawless braid, when we see a shirtless dude in her bed. He asks if they can have sex again and she completely blows him off (as in, says no), and just leaves him there… still naked in her bed. I have to ask where the hell her parents are right now. That’s some very shitty parenting. Listen Lydia, I’m all for you trying to get over Jackson (who left town and hasn’t called), but I don’t want you to think you have to hook up with random, hot guys to move on. You shouldn’t try to find comfort or self-confidence in meaningless sexual relationships. I think that’s from an episode of Dr. Phil. I’m all for Lydia and Allison being besties right now. They are the only ones who could even possibly understand what the other is going through. AND, I’m ready to know what the hell is going on with Lydia. Is she a witch? A faerie? An ancient unicorn? Some other kind of supernatural creature yet to be discovered? Someone grab the bestiary! Anyway, her and Stiles are still friends and he rushes to protect her TWICE in the episode. Too bad she’s got her mind on other things, like twins. She “wants one” so I have no doubt she’ll be trying to snag one in the next episode. That should be interesting considering they’re ALPHAS!
Allison: Allison starts off the episode with a really mature haircut, and talking about how she can’t go on a double date with Lydia and her hot booty calls. Really, Allison? You’re not ready to get back out there? First off, you dumped Scott. Secondly, you’re seventeen. You shouldn’t be worried about, “getting back into the dating world.” Have you seen yourself? You’re gorgeous. And you’ll stay that way until you’re old like me and check for botox/chemical peel Groupons every day because your crow’s feet will keep growing like a damn crack nail. Oh, you meant, you’re EMOTIONALLY not ready to get back out there because your heart hasn’t healed yet from the breakup. Just ignore my last statement about the Groupons…unless you have one you want to sell to me? ANYWAYS, you can totally tell that Allison is still in love with Scott, which I don’t think she ever said she wasn’t, but I just don’t get why she can’t move past the fact that her mom tried to kill him and his Alpha-bro Derek bit her? Oh, actually when you say it out loud like that, it makes sense how that could complicate things. Allison clearly wants to talk to Scott about easing some of the awkwardness since she passed him a note in classy asking if they could chat. We’ll see where that goes. Their pow-wow got delayed when the flock flying south for the winter took the wrong route and crashed into their English class. Which, by they way…that teacher is putting off some seriously inappropriate sexual vibes. I’m sure we’ll see something unravel from her character. Maybe Daddy Argent will get some lovin’ since Mrs. Argent is out of the picture, er, dead? Just saying, she’s pretty attractive and Daddy Argent is, well…
Derek: Baby, mama missed you. The hiatus sure did treat you good. #hotdamn. If you all don’t remember, Derek Hale is the original #PUREMAN, as TeamTSD calls it. Being given this coveted hashtag is an honor, and not everyone is deserving of it. We have given it to other teen idol greats such as Dean Winchester, Alaric Saltzman, Elijah Mikaelson, and others alike. But what does being a #PUREMAN mean? It means you’re a straight boss, you’re an alpha, you have subtle facial hair, great abs, tight shirts and fine Italian leather jackets complete with a wardrobe of monochromatic colors. A #PUREMAN looks a bit like THIS:
Yup, reason number one why I watch Teen Wolf. We first see Derek saving Scott’s ass from the Alpha-deusche in the elevator at the hospital. He and Scott take Isaac back to his place to give him a little R&R. Scott tries to pry about the Alpha at the hospital, but Derek keeps him out of it. Derek eventually has to spill the beans, though, when Scott notices that Derek had painted his front door bright red. Not a bad observation. I mean, the guy doesn’t even have plumming, why would he take the time to paint the front door? Scott scratches the paint off, and we see the Alpha symbol. Uh oh! Derek isn’t sure how to deal with the Alpha pack, other than that they definitely need more muscle if they are going to stand their ground against them. What does the Alpha pack want? Well, we don’t know yet. What we do know, though, is that Derek has figured out how to blow torch a tattoo onto healing werewolves. #PUREMAN.
Twins: So you guys have better abs than the guys in the Bowflex commercials. You also have badass motorcycles that make Scott’s dirt bike look like a damn go-kart. Good for you. You must take your Flintstone vitamins. That must not be all you’re taking because you turn into a dual-Hulk looking man! What the hell was that? So…if you’re an alpha, and you’re a twin, you can morph into one super-alpha? I don’t know, maybe it’s a random fluke in their were-genes, or maybe Dr. Frankenstein has gotten creative with the media’s vampire/werewolf craze. WHO KNOWS. What I do know, is that Lydia wants to tap that ass. Not sure which one exactly, maybe both? Hey, the hottest abs in Beacon Hills history just got dragged to London (I mean the CW Network), and Lydia needs something to occupy her. These guys don’t seem like the loving type, though. They kind of remind me of the terminator, but with better hair and claws instead of microchips. Oh yeah, and their names are Ethan and Aiden. Welcome to the Teen Wolf, family! (You touch Derek and you die.)
Animals: A buck died, a huge flock of birds died, a whole kennel of house cats died at the vet (those owner’s are going to be pissed). I was confused at first, but then realized after seeing the cats, that all the animals are killing themselves. Animals, what in your lives could be SO bad you’d need to commit suicide? Oh, there’s a pack of alphas in town and your instinct tells you to fling yourself through glass or have a spazz attack in your cage until you’re dead? It’s called MIGRATION. Go somewhere else. Fly to a different city. Run your big buck legs to the next county over. Cats, I don’t know what to tell you. You were trapped but you made a really poor decision, and now the vet has to clean up all your guts and tell your parents that you ALL magically decided you couldn’t handle life anymore. I don’t know what else to say.
The episode ends with us seeing Erica and Boyd holding hands in some weird room/prison/headquarters/I have no f*cking idea. There’s a symbol on the floor that matches the marks the random girl left on Lydia and Allison’s arms when she grabbed them at school. Interesting. Are Erica and Boyd being held there, and by who? The alphas? Granddaddy Argent? Oh, yeah. You know that fella HAS to come back into play at some point. Next week, we’ll see Stiles get nasty with an overly aggressive girl, Allison get threatened by an alpha, and Scott and Derek fight side by side. Leave your thoughts about the season premiere and your predictions for the next episode! Until next time… #FangsOut